At Work Romance Yes or No?

Dear Fabian and Karla,
I have this great coworker that I spend time with outside of work.  So far it has just been platonic.  Recently I have been finding her attractive.  Is it ok for me to pour on the charm and flirt with her?  Should I romance her or is she off limits because we work together? 
-Wanting Romance at Work

Fabian Says:

OK people always say that your work and personal lives should not intermingle but there are times where I think that unwritten rule should be overlooked.  First, if you are going into this just to get laid; then stick to the unwritten rule.  Second if there are mutual feelings and the two of you can respect each other’s careers why not take the chance.  There are those who will frown upon your relationship until they see the respect between the both of you, the ones who still frown to HELL with them, you are happy focus on that.  If you start to flirt and pour on the charm at work make sure it is tasteful and tactful and she is the only one you are doing it to.  This is delicate because you will enjoy her company on a personal level but you also need to have a professional relationship at work after you start dating.  Good luck to you and remember if you start date and break-up you not only have to move, change telephone numbers but you also have to find a new job.   


Karla Says:
I think work place romance is only appropriate if you think this person is someone you may consider having a serious and committed relationship with.  I do not think it is appropriate to flirt at work under any circumstances.  It is important to remain professional and not make others uncomfortable.  Rather than pouring on the charm I encourage you to have an adult conversation with your friend explaining how you feel and listening to how she feels about you.  If the feelings are mutual I would encourage you both to set boundaries and guidelines for work and outside of work.  For example I encourage you to discuss how you will handle disagreements that happen in your relationship and how you will maintain a friendly professional atmosphere when you see each other at work.  I wish you the very best of luck!!

Dating Dilemma

Dear Fabian and Karla,
It has been a few years since I have gone out on a date and I feel a little rusty.  I was asked out by a coworker.  In the past when I went out on dates I always paid my way.  Since this guy asked me on the date do I still pay or does he?
-Dutch or Not?


Fabian Says:

The Dutch has two things going for them I believe (1) those pointy orange shoe (Orange is the color of the Dutch Royal Family. The lineage of the current dynasty -- the House of Oranje-Nassau dates back to Willem van Oranje (William of Orange) and (2) the ability to get away with smoking marijuana legally.  As far as “Dutch” goes with dating it gets a little misconstrued here in the states I think.  With our society turning into a giant pile of cow poo, we need to get back to the traditions of yest er years.  If a “gentleman”, face it there are not too many of us left out there, asks a young lady out (same goes for you ladies there are not too many of you left out there either) he should pick up the tab.  Here is why I think so; it does not matter how much money you make (male or female) or how much money you had growing up, deep inside you want to be taken care of.  Men want to be taken care of with _._._ Woman want to know their man is going to be there for them through thick or thin.  Yes the woman can offer to pay but a real man would thank her but still pick up the check. 

To be on the safe side however make sure you do not forget your wallet at home or in the car and don’t forget cab fare if you drive together (but that’s another topic).

Karla Says:
In this particular situation I believe that the man should pay because he asked you out.  I also agree with Fabian that your wallet should come with you in case you are met with a surprise.  I hope you have fun!

Budgeting Woes

Dear Fabian and Karla,
How can I make and use a budget when my other half doesn't think we need one?
-In need of a budget.

Fabian Says:
If you think you need a budget you are one of the few and disciplined individuals that can pull it off.  A person who does not want a budget feels they can control their life without putting limitations on things.  If one person wants a budget and the other does not set up different accounts; one for family/house expenses and savings which is attached to a budget, and one for the person who does not want a budget and whatever is left over from the previous account can go into this one.  This person feels they have control over their habits and can control themselves.  Do a budget if you want to, it will not hurt to hell with the other person.   LOL.

Karla Says:
I feel that the proof is in the pudding.  What I have done in the past is sat down with our monthly bank statement and went through it line by line separating what was spent on groceries, mortgage, utilities, eating out, clothes, gas, car payments, etc.  I then added up income and I compared it to spending.  It was shocking to see how much was being spent compared to income and how little was being saved.  From there I looked at areas where money could be saved.  (For example I noticed that we were buying groceries several times a week and if we would just go once a week with a good shopping list we could save a great deal of money).  I became extremely motivated when I thought of what could be saved and how much fun could be had if we just set a few limits.  It has been my experience that I get better results with my partner when I approach him with cold hard data rather than just an idea.  I wish you the best!  I believe budgeting is valuable!!

Getting off the Hamster Wheel

Dear Fabian and Karla,
How does a couple get past the causes of 99% of their fights when talking about it and fighting about it doesn't get you anywhere and hasn't for years? For example; "It upsets me when you don't listen to me and make me repeat myself" vs. " I don't like your tone or nagging"
-Tired of Arguing

Fabian Says:
If a couple is thinking they will never get past fighting they are setting themselves up for failure.   So now on to the nitty-gritty; if someone ever says,  “you don’t listen to me” you need to check yourself. Communication is the number one problem between any two people and listening is the number one factor in that scenario.  I would say to all who find themselves in this situation; when a person is talking, no matter the topic, find your calm place and focus on listening to what the person is saying, take a moment to filter the information, and then respond with what you think the person said followed by your response. 
As far as tone and nagging, GET OVER IT we all do this one way or another.  Should we stop? Absolutely.  Can we stop?  NO.   In this situation, you just need to remember to be the bigger person and let it roll off your shoulders.  So the next time someone says you have a tone or is nagging just gather your thoughts and STOP. If you realize someone is nagging or have a tone let them vent and focus on what they are saying not how they are saying it.

Karla Says:  
I can definitely relate to this question.  I feel like the first eight years of my marriage there was a lot of circular arguing that went nowhere and left me feeling exhausted.  In my experience the only thing I found to work was to focus on myself and let me say although there are still arguments the last two years have been a lot more peaceful. Focusing and working on myself has meant that when I feel hurt, misunderstood, or unlistened too.... I find a quiet place and I ask myself, "What do I need most in this moment?"  Whatever the answer is I do my best to make it happen.  I have been empowered by this action because I make myself feel better and I shift my attention from my partner to myself.  I find that continuously doing this allows me to feel better about myself and more fulfilled and I truly feel that I am taking less things personal.  It has also helped me to realize that my husband is not out to get me and I have started to build a deeper trust in him.