Getting off the Hamster Wheel

Dear Fabian and Karla,
How does a couple get past the causes of 99% of their fights when talking about it and fighting about it doesn't get you anywhere and hasn't for years? For example; "It upsets me when you don't listen to me and make me repeat myself" vs. " I don't like your tone or nagging"
-Tired of Arguing

Fabian Says:
If a couple is thinking they will never get past fighting they are setting themselves up for failure.   So now on to the nitty-gritty; if someone ever says,  “you don’t listen to me” you need to check yourself. Communication is the number one problem between any two people and listening is the number one factor in that scenario.  I would say to all who find themselves in this situation; when a person is talking, no matter the topic, find your calm place and focus on listening to what the person is saying, take a moment to filter the information, and then respond with what you think the person said followed by your response. 
As far as tone and nagging, GET OVER IT we all do this one way or another.  Should we stop? Absolutely.  Can we stop?  NO.   In this situation, you just need to remember to be the bigger person and let it roll off your shoulders.  So the next time someone says you have a tone or is nagging just gather your thoughts and STOP. If you realize someone is nagging or have a tone let them vent and focus on what they are saying not how they are saying it.

Karla Says:  
I can definitely relate to this question.  I feel like the first eight years of my marriage there was a lot of circular arguing that went nowhere and left me feeling exhausted.  In my experience the only thing I found to work was to focus on myself and let me say although there are still arguments the last two years have been a lot more peaceful. Focusing and working on myself has meant that when I feel hurt, misunderstood, or unlistened too.... I find a quiet place and I ask myself, "What do I need most in this moment?"  Whatever the answer is I do my best to make it happen.  I have been empowered by this action because I make myself feel better and I shift my attention from my partner to myself.  I find that continuously doing this allows me to feel better about myself and more fulfilled and I truly feel that I am taking less things personal.  It has also helped me to realize that my husband is not out to get me and I have started to build a deeper trust in him.