Feeling Rejected

Dear Fabian & Karla,
While I am currently happy with most aspects of my life right now, one of the areas where I feel a loss is with close personal friendships (other than my husband, whom I consider my best friend). As I am growing older and my life and family are changing, it seems that many of my old friends and I have grown apart. My list of close friends is now down to about 2 or 3, and even those friendships are not as close as I would like them to be and unfortunately I do not see the potential of very much growth beyond what they currently are.
Recently I felt some disappointment when an old friend whom I used to be close to married and all of our mutual friends were there, but I was not invited. It bothered me more than I would like to admit. My question is this: how can I move on completely from these lost friendships? Reaching out and trying to reconnect has been futile, and I feel that I need to let go and move, but for some reason I am having a hard time doing so.
-Feeling Rejected

Karla Says:
I am sorry this is happening.  I empathize with the painful experience I have been through it myself especially after having children.  I encourage you to surrender to your current experience and to send loving thoughts to your old friends.  Bless them and let them go.  Pray to be open to the new friendships waiting to come into your life.  It sounds like you are very grateful for your current blessings but there can never be enough gratitude.  Be continuously grateful and feel love for the new friendships just waiting for you to be ready.  I have found it is best not to take things personally because they never are.... and to focus on trust.  We are merely humans and as humans we are unable to comprehend the greatness that our creator has in store for us.  There is a plan for you and there are loving friendships that are even better for you than the old ones.  Be open and surrender to the amazing experience and friendships that are waiting for you to be ready.  Wishing you the absolute best!!!

Fabian Says:

Feeling rejected is never a good feeling as you know (now that it is happening to you), but it happens and there are several things you can do about it (1) sit around and be depressed, (2) go out and try to relive your high school years (good or bad) or (3) be a big boy/girl and make new friends.  You need to find out what part you played in that rejection and not repeat it if you want to keep friends.  Also if this friend was such a close friend this would not have happened.  Friends needs to be like family, you talk crap to each other, hurt each other feelings and all the ups and downs but they will always be there because the relationship is stronger than all the crap. You must have known that there was difficulty with the friendship early on.  Did you approach this person and ask why there has been distance... also did you ask why you were not invited to the wedding?  If you have truly tried to reach out and repair the friendship and there has been no response on the part of your friend, then I say to hell with him/her move on with your life make new friends.  If you are having trouble moving on then you are glutton for punishment and probable stressing out your husband (your best friend).  Suck it up this is not high school it not a popularity contest make friends with the weird neighbor or the cashier at the grocery store, there are opportunities every were to make friends you just need to find the courage  within yourself to do it.  Good luck with this! 

When Is Young Too Young?

Dear Fabian and Karla,
I am concerned about my brother who is about to marry a lovely young woman who is very young.  He is in his soon to be mid thirties and she is in her very early twenties.  My concern is that my brother has a daughter that will live with them full time and he is about to marry someone who is young and makes young people decisions.  My soon to be sister in law just quit her great job because it wasn't fulfilling.  She is contemplating finding a job she likes and maybe just part time.   I am concerned that she is not ready for the commitment she is about to embark on.   How young is too young?
-Worried she is not ready.


Karla Says:
So when I first think of your problem I get all mother hen and protective and I worry about your brothers decision to marry this young woman who seems a little impulsive and young........ And then I step back and know that your brother's choice is his choice.  I also know that as appealing as it is to worry about others especially our family this is a true distraction from our own personal well being.  I have also come to believe it is a waste of time and even harmful to us and our loved ones.  I invite you to love your brother and his soon to be wife and bless them with your hope and peace.  I also invite you to invest your precious energy to yourself.  I leave you with an observation a stranger said to me once, " Worry is simply a prayer for the negative."  Wishing you the absolute best!


Fabian Say:

OK you said this young lady is a “lovely lady”, so what is the problem?  Is it because she is a lovely lady, is it because she is young or is it because she is dating and getting ready to marry your brother?  The word on the street is a person can date someone 16yrs his/her junior (you do have to be over 18yrs old first otherwise it’s just creepy) if they are under 35 years old.  If you are however over 35 this practice is frowned upon and you fit into the other dating category that say; if you are over 35yrs you can only date anyone older that you no matter the age.  So society has set its standards once again on the way we live our lives.  If your brother is happy then let him be, talk to him about protecting himself but allow him to be happy.  If you find out he is trying to live the life of Hugh Hefner remind him he is not Hugh and it will be short lived.  Don’t worry too much about the age thing look at Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher they had a good run.  My advice to you about her decision making abilities is that even old folks make young people decisions (midlife crises and all the horror that goes alone with it).  Her desire to find work that is more appealing to her sounds like a grown up decision to me who cares if it’s part time at least she will be working.  Don’t we all desire to find work that is appealing especially as adults or “grown-ups” as you say.  Protect your brother by all means but if she is treating him well and he is happy with her allow him to have fun you might also want to tell him to read our budgeting post it might help him out in the long run.       

Is It Ok To Parent Differently?

Dear Fabian and Karla,
I have two children and lately it has been brought to my attention that I treat each one differently.  I tend to be stricter with one than the other and there are times that there are different rules for each one.  I do this because my children are so different but I can't help but wonder if it is a mistake to treat them differently.  So do I embrace my different parenting styles for each child or adopt the same parenting style for both children.
-Fair or not Fair

Karla Says:
I personally am guilty of treating my children differently.  Before I had children my intentions were to be fair and I would never treat my children differently.  Reality sunk in real quick when my second son turned two.  Despite my best intentions it was not long before I began treating my children differently.  I think there are two reasons for this; one I am human and I am not perfect, and two my children are different.   In my opinion I encourage you to accept who you are as a parent and continue to strive to be the best parent to your children.  I encourage you to look at your children and accept that they are different and it is inevitable that they will be treated differently.  I invite you to continue working on yourself and loving who you are and I trust that you will find the best parent within you.


Fabian Says:

Want to be fair, ONLY HAVE ONE CHILD!!!!!, this way you do not have to grapple with this ever unanswered question.  There is no way or let me put it nicer slightly no way to be fair. That in itself is the fairness of having more than one.  Now that your system just got a jolt of electricity let’s get to the nuts and bolts of raising multiple children.  You will treat each one different that however does not say you love one less than the other or it is unfair, you do so because they are different people.  Luke 11:11 say, this is a paraphrase now folks, “Which of you fathers (mothers), if your son (daughter)asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead?” now that’s not fair if one ask for a fish and gets it but the other gets a snake when he/s clearly asked for a fish also.  There is no one size fits all in the scenario of raising kids, you can have the same rules in the household but it is a guide that teaches them how to follow and respect rules.  When these rules are however broken discipline needs to be relative to the person that will redirect and be constructive in their development.  This I believe allows them to be who they are while still being respectful to other.  So relax, you don’t treat any two people the same so why do you think you can get away treating your children exactly the same they are after all just small people.

Parenting rights for uncles

Dear Fabian and Karla,
I am the uncle of two great little girls.  They are a big part of my life.  I see my sister and her daughters often.  My brother in-law is out of town a lot.  Recently I was at the mall with my sister and her two daughters.  One of my nieces was misbehaving.  My sister was not disciplining her and so as the male role model I stepped in and disciplined her daughter.  My sister became very angry with me.  What rights do I have as an uncle?
-Loving Uncle Looking For Some Rights

Fabian Says:

YOU HAVE NONE!!!!! With that said your sister should be thankful that you are in her and the girls life.  Depending on availability of their father (your sister’s husband) the girls are missing lots of lessons a young person should learn growing up.  I do not believe your sister was upset that you disciplined her girls; I think there is something behind her anger that she is not talking about.  Your sister might be upset at the way you interrupted when she was disciplining her child or she might be upset that her husband was not there and she is dealing with the kids alone, she might even be having a bad day.  Any other person would be happy that there is another person in their children’s life that will ensure they are doing the right thing no matter who is watching.  Try and set up some boundaries with your sister and try to find out what else is going on with her.  You need to approach her soon on the matter, not in an angry way but in a loving caring way. 

Karla Says:
This can be a touchy subject but one well worth dealing with.  As a mom I know that I can get very defensive when others try to discipline my children.  I also know that when I am in a good place I do believe it takes a village to raise a child.  I believe your sister is lucky to have you in her life especially since her husband is gone.  I highly encourage you to approach your sister when you are both in a good mood.  I would encourage you to express your love for her and your nieces.  Acknowledge how hard it is to be acting as a single parent and express your interest in helping her.  Ask her how she thinks you can best serve as a positive role model for her girls.  Once you hear her I encourage you to share with her how you think you can help her with discipline.  She will be more willing to listen once you have acknowledged her struggles and heard how she feels you can help.  In the end you will have to respect her wishes because they are her children.  I wish you the best and I hope your sister realizes how lucky she is to have your presence in her girls lives.