Disillusioned by my Career

Dear Fabian and Karla,
From the time was 7 years old I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up.  After high school I went to college and invested 5 years of my time and money to obtain the degree that would enable me to work in my prospective field.  I graduated a year ago and found a job.  My career has been challenging and frustrating.  It is not what I expected.  Every morning before I go to work my stomach is tied in knots and I dread being there.  I keep hoping it will get better but it only seems to get worse.  I feel so disappointed and I don't know what to do.  I invested so much time and money and now I hate what I am doing.  Please help me with any advice you may have about improving my situation?
-I don't like my job!

Karla Says:
Wouldn't it be great if we could work at our chosen job before we go to school for it.  It would save some heart ache.  I invite you to spend some time alone and reflect on what you like about your job and what specifically you don't like.  I then encourage you to seek out some other peers in your profession that you trust and who seem to like their job.  Share your concerns and ask for some guidance.  Find out if there are different possibilities for you in your chosen career.  If after all of your soul searching you are still dissatisfied I encourage you to focus on the positives.  You are blessed with a job.  You have a paycheck coming in while you figure out what to do next.  Spend some time being real with yourself and journal about what kind of career would suit you better.  I encourage you to list your personal strengths.  Think back to every compliment you have received and write them down find the themes.  Then I invite you to journal about what actions make you the happiest.  Find a match with the things you love to do and a career. For all you know it might not take that much extra schooling to obtain the job of your dreams.  I always like to remember that it is an absolute privilege to be able to question whether we are happy or not in a chosen career.  This is a privilege that only a select few in our world get to enjoy.  I wish you luck and the absolute best.

Fabian Says:

Quit and find something else to do.  The one thing I can say about completing college is that it shows others you are disciplined enough to commit yourself for however long to something, whether it be studying or partying.  In today’s society everyone has pushed the re-set button on life, finances, love and whatever else they can.  Do not beat yourself up over the fact you do not like the profession you got yourself into, individuals do it all the time.  If it never happened we would not have mid-life crisis that turn out to be a blessing that allow us to do something great.  If your work is making you sick you definitely need to reevaluate your circumstance.  Find an area within your profession that you can tolerate until you figure out your next move.  You know the old saying “the best time to find a new job is when you have one”.  You need to remember what your parents use to say to you as a child “it’s OK sweetie it you don’t like that one you can always get another”, go out and find yourself another and don't worry about it, it will all work itself out.    

Insomniac in Search of Sleep

Dear Fabian and Karla,
I feel desperate in my need for sleep.  It takes me several hours to fall asleep and when I finally do fall asleep it lasts for 2 to 3 hours if I am lucky.  I then wake up and am unable to fall back asleep.  I feel thoroughly exhausted.  I am trying to remain upbeat and positive but the lack of sleep is getting to me. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
-Sick of Being Tired
Karla Says:
Sleeping issues can be extremely stressful and ironically they are often caused by stress.  So first I will share some solutions then I would like to address the cause.   First and foremost no caffeine 8 hours prior to sleep.  Next I encourage you to incorporate exercise.  Exercise is essential for overall health but especially for sleep.  Exercise will help regulate your hormones and reduce stress.  I encourage you to have a routine prior to sleep.  Wind down and sit quietly.   Next prior to getting in bed while you are still sitting up I invite you to try this breathing technique that has been highly successful for many of my clients and patients.  Close your eyes and inhale through your left nostril and think the number 100 imagine that the breath reaches to the space between your eyes... then exhale from your right nostril and think 99.... inhale through your right nostril and think 98 imagine the breath reaching the space between the eyes... exhale through the left nostril and think 97.... Keep going until you reach zero.  Please note it is not important if your actually physically breathing through your left or right nostril what is important is the intention.   This breathing technique helps to balance the left and right brain and it can be quite soothing.  This is a good time to lay down and try to sleep. Once you are lying down f you are having a hard time instead of counting sheep simply count down from 100 to 0.  Use your breath thinking of 100 with the inhale... 99 with the exhale... inhale think 98 and you keep going until you fall asleep.  Once you are asleep if you wake up again count down from one hundred using the second technique until you fall asleep.
Sleeping issues are often caused by stress.  It is essential to deal with the cause.  Stress will always be present in your life so it is important to change your mental reaction. This will take time, perseverance and dedication.  Every time you feel stressed I invite you to close your eyes and take a deep breath.  Have present in your mind a moment in your life when you felt complete peace... focus on the peaceful feeling for a full minute or more until you calm down.  This is a lifestyle shift you must make if you are to deal with the heart of the problem.  Changing our mind on a foundational level takes time and intention but the results are amazing and have the power to change all aspects of your life. I wish you the absolute best!!! May you find peace and sleep.

Fabian Say's:

Yes sleep is important to rejuvenate the body, mind and soul.  We always hear that statement, so is it really true?  We all want to get a good night sleep because we think it will make us perform better, so from the start you are programming yourself to think if sleep is missing, performance goes down.  Scientist's have said the most complex efficient computers in existence is the human body, it can fix itself over time, it has several operational systems that are independent of each other yet they all work in conjunction to accomplish a single mission, it knows when to shut down systems to maximize production and it does not need an outside entity to function.  So why do individuals choose to tell them self’s, things that are contradictory to what the body and mind can accomplish.  We all know the saying “sleep when you’re dead” and if we hear someone famous talk about what got them to where they are, they would say I only sleep “X amount of hours a night”.  They live that philosophy of “sleep when you are dead”.  I found this list which is from interviews or personal accounts of several individuals and their sleep habits: 

1.       Jay Leno – four hours
"He subsists on four hours' sleep per night. Out of fifty-two weeks, he gets
four weeks off, during which time he is miserable. "I hate those weeks off," he
tells me. "To me, a week's vacation just means you're now a week behind."

2. Madonna – four hours
"Madonna has revealed she only grabs four hours' sleep a night because she
constantly worries about everything that is going on her life."

3. Florence Nightingale – four hours
"Florence Nightingale only slept four hours a night"

4. Anton Ballard – four hours
"Ballard keeps pushing himself to get better. He averages around four hours of
sleep per night, and works about 12 hours each day between his meat counter and
his studio."

5. Michelangelo – four hours
"Both aboriginal peoples and highly creative people (such as Thomas Edison and
Michelangelo) rarely sleep for more than four hours at a time."

6. Napoleon Bonaparte – four hours
"Napoleon Bonaparte learned to live with the fact that he was only existing on
three or four hours sleep a night and got on with his grand schemes."

7. Bill Clinton – five to six hours
"President Clinton grabs 5-6 hours"

8. Winston Churchill – six hours
"It was claimed he only spent 6 hours in bed every night. However, he wrote
that one needs to take a complete nap every afternoon, to get fully undressed
and really go to bed. No "halfway measures". He claimed the reward was to "get
two days in one - well, at least one and a half, I'm sure." He claimed this nap
was absolutely necessary to cope with his responsibilities during the war. His
naps were 1.5 to 2 hours long, for a total of about 8 hours a day!"

9. Nikola Tesla – two hours
"He is said, by some of his followers, to only have slept 2 hours a day. He was
definitely a night owl. But his staff has told of him taking many naps during
the day. And it seems he may have been narcoleptic, and able to sleep with his
eyes open."

10. Leonardo Da Vinci – 15 mins every four hours (ie. 1.5 hours)
" It was said that he would sleep just 15 minutes of every four hours."

11. Margaret Thatcher – four hours
"Margaret Thatcher, the former prime minister, was famous for getting by on
only four hours a night."

12. Martha Stewart – four hours
"“There’s not enough time in the day,” complains the woman who says she needs
no more than four hours’ sleep a night."

13. Thomas Edison – four hours
"Thomas Edison slept 3-4 hours at night, regarding sleep as a waste of time"

Now I remember being in the Marine Corps and only having to survive on couple hours of sleep a night and still performed well the next day, I also remember being in school and after only couple hours of sleep did poorly.  I think it is the task you are doing that makes you feel the way you do not the fact you only received couple hours of sleep.  You might be bored in the task you are doing and your body is telling you something.  Get a hobby that will require physical, mental and spiritual fatigue outside of your professional life, this might do the trick.  If all else fails having wild SEX before bed time will tire you out and might keep you asleep throughout the night. 

When is it a good time to make a baby?

Dear Fabian and Karla,

After many (many) years of patience, I have finally found the man I will marry and spend the rest of my life with. I'm going to marry him soon and already the question everyone has for us is, "When will you guys start having kids?".
My question for you two is, when is the best time into a marriage to start thinking about kids? Neither me nor my partner are all that young anymore....how long is too long to wait and when is it too soon to start a family?
-Wondering when to have babies.

Karla Says:
I personally am not a baby pusher.  I find that in our society people feel most comfortable when they are able to recruit people to whatever team they are playing on .... for example the marriage team, the baby team, the two baby team, etc.  There seems to be so much pressure from the public to have everyone progress with a certain pattern from single to engaged to marriage to having babies... etc.  This question of yours is a very personal one.  It depends on what your priority is and what your partners priorities might be.  I encourage you to both sit down and talk about your current priorities.  If at the top of the list is traveling, building your relationship or career.  It sounds like you both might have priorities other than having babies.  If both of you state that your priority is to have a family then it sounds like you want a baby now.  What matters is that both of you be honest with yourselves.  Having a baby will change everything!! Your life will no longer be your own and all control seems to be lost.  It is an amazing and humbling journey but know that everything will change.  So I encourage you to hold counsel with yourself and your partner.  Be honest with yourselves and let go of whatever anyone else is asking after all these people aren't going hone with you to deal with the consequences of your actions.  I wish you the best of luck and I am thrilled for you that you found the person you want to commit to.... what an amazing blessing.  May you both follow your bliss and experience the very best this world has to offer!!!

Fabian Says:

Ha..Ha..Ha..Ha..Kids, Family and Marriage.  O.k. people stop asking other people when they are going to get married, have kids or if they are married when they are going to start a family, I hate these questions.  Listen-up you just found the person you think is worthy enough to be with you for the rest of how ever long you choose to be on this earth.  First and foremost congratulations you have just made your life harder and easier in one shot.  In finding this person you went through a lot and there is more to come with you two trying to live together and truly understanding each other.  You both need to ask yourselves are you ready to introduce someone else into this new found relationship.  
By the way oldest person to have a child was a 70 yr old in India on November 28 2008, the world record.  This lady hit menopause and still had a child, her and her husband of 50 yrs truly wanted a child and never gave up (wait that means at 70 they were still having sex, cool), anyway, this should be an inspiration to you and some facts to tell all those who are wondering when you will have kids.  Couples need to get to know each other very well before they start thinking about parenting together; it changes the relationship and both your worlds.  You asked when into the marriage to start I say 2.5 yrs to start talking about it and right about 3 yrs to start having.  Why so long to start talking about it you may ask.  Well after two years you are both keepers for each other, you would have gone through all stages of matrimony and be stable in your schedules and careers.  Why such a short distance between talking and having, well birth control is getting old or becoming annoying and there will be a slip-up so it was good you started talking about having little ones.  During this time have fun and make lots of memories with each other so you have something to share with the little ones before it’s all about them and their needs and wants.     

Feeling Rejected

Dear Fabian & Karla,
While I am currently happy with most aspects of my life right now, one of the areas where I feel a loss is with close personal friendships (other than my husband, whom I consider my best friend). As I am growing older and my life and family are changing, it seems that many of my old friends and I have grown apart. My list of close friends is now down to about 2 or 3, and even those friendships are not as close as I would like them to be and unfortunately I do not see the potential of very much growth beyond what they currently are.
Recently I felt some disappointment when an old friend whom I used to be close to married and all of our mutual friends were there, but I was not invited. It bothered me more than I would like to admit. My question is this: how can I move on completely from these lost friendships? Reaching out and trying to reconnect has been futile, and I feel that I need to let go and move, but for some reason I am having a hard time doing so.
-Feeling Rejected

Karla Says:
I am sorry this is happening.  I empathize with the painful experience I have been through it myself especially after having children.  I encourage you to surrender to your current experience and to send loving thoughts to your old friends.  Bless them and let them go.  Pray to be open to the new friendships waiting to come into your life.  It sounds like you are very grateful for your current blessings but there can never be enough gratitude.  Be continuously grateful and feel love for the new friendships just waiting for you to be ready.  I have found it is best not to take things personally because they never are.... and to focus on trust.  We are merely humans and as humans we are unable to comprehend the greatness that our creator has in store for us.  There is a plan for you and there are loving friendships that are even better for you than the old ones.  Be open and surrender to the amazing experience and friendships that are waiting for you to be ready.  Wishing you the absolute best!!!

Fabian Says:

Feeling rejected is never a good feeling as you know (now that it is happening to you), but it happens and there are several things you can do about it (1) sit around and be depressed, (2) go out and try to relive your high school years (good or bad) or (3) be a big boy/girl and make new friends.  You need to find out what part you played in that rejection and not repeat it if you want to keep friends.  Also if this friend was such a close friend this would not have happened.  Friends needs to be like family, you talk crap to each other, hurt each other feelings and all the ups and downs but they will always be there because the relationship is stronger than all the crap. You must have known that there was difficulty with the friendship early on.  Did you approach this person and ask why there has been distance... also did you ask why you were not invited to the wedding?  If you have truly tried to reach out and repair the friendship and there has been no response on the part of your friend, then I say to hell with him/her move on with your life make new friends.  If you are having trouble moving on then you are glutton for punishment and probable stressing out your husband (your best friend).  Suck it up this is not high school it not a popularity contest make friends with the weird neighbor or the cashier at the grocery store, there are opportunities every were to make friends you just need to find the courage  within yourself to do it.  Good luck with this! 

When Is Young Too Young?

Dear Fabian and Karla,
I am concerned about my brother who is about to marry a lovely young woman who is very young.  He is in his soon to be mid thirties and she is in her very early twenties.  My concern is that my brother has a daughter that will live with them full time and he is about to marry someone who is young and makes young people decisions.  My soon to be sister in law just quit her great job because it wasn't fulfilling.  She is contemplating finding a job she likes and maybe just part time.   I am concerned that she is not ready for the commitment she is about to embark on.   How young is too young?
-Worried she is not ready.


Karla Says:
So when I first think of your problem I get all mother hen and protective and I worry about your brothers decision to marry this young woman who seems a little impulsive and young........ And then I step back and know that your brother's choice is his choice.  I also know that as appealing as it is to worry about others especially our family this is a true distraction from our own personal well being.  I have also come to believe it is a waste of time and even harmful to us and our loved ones.  I invite you to love your brother and his soon to be wife and bless them with your hope and peace.  I also invite you to invest your precious energy to yourself.  I leave you with an observation a stranger said to me once, " Worry is simply a prayer for the negative."  Wishing you the absolute best!


Fabian Say:

OK you said this young lady is a “lovely lady”, so what is the problem?  Is it because she is a lovely lady, is it because she is young or is it because she is dating and getting ready to marry your brother?  The word on the street is a person can date someone 16yrs his/her junior (you do have to be over 18yrs old first otherwise it’s just creepy) if they are under 35 years old.  If you are however over 35 this practice is frowned upon and you fit into the other dating category that say; if you are over 35yrs you can only date anyone older that you no matter the age.  So society has set its standards once again on the way we live our lives.  If your brother is happy then let him be, talk to him about protecting himself but allow him to be happy.  If you find out he is trying to live the life of Hugh Hefner remind him he is not Hugh and it will be short lived.  Don’t worry too much about the age thing look at Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher they had a good run.  My advice to you about her decision making abilities is that even old folks make young people decisions (midlife crises and all the horror that goes alone with it).  Her desire to find work that is more appealing to her sounds like a grown up decision to me who cares if it’s part time at least she will be working.  Don’t we all desire to find work that is appealing especially as adults or “grown-ups” as you say.  Protect your brother by all means but if she is treating him well and he is happy with her allow him to have fun you might also want to tell him to read our budgeting post it might help him out in the long run.       

Is It Ok To Parent Differently?

Dear Fabian and Karla,
I have two children and lately it has been brought to my attention that I treat each one differently.  I tend to be stricter with one than the other and there are times that there are different rules for each one.  I do this because my children are so different but I can't help but wonder if it is a mistake to treat them differently.  So do I embrace my different parenting styles for each child or adopt the same parenting style for both children.
-Fair or not Fair

Karla Says:
I personally am guilty of treating my children differently.  Before I had children my intentions were to be fair and I would never treat my children differently.  Reality sunk in real quick when my second son turned two.  Despite my best intentions it was not long before I began treating my children differently.  I think there are two reasons for this; one I am human and I am not perfect, and two my children are different.   In my opinion I encourage you to accept who you are as a parent and continue to strive to be the best parent to your children.  I encourage you to look at your children and accept that they are different and it is inevitable that they will be treated differently.  I invite you to continue working on yourself and loving who you are and I trust that you will find the best parent within you.


Fabian Says:

Want to be fair, ONLY HAVE ONE CHILD!!!!!, this way you do not have to grapple with this ever unanswered question.  There is no way or let me put it nicer slightly no way to be fair. That in itself is the fairness of having more than one.  Now that your system just got a jolt of electricity let’s get to the nuts and bolts of raising multiple children.  You will treat each one different that however does not say you love one less than the other or it is unfair, you do so because they are different people.  Luke 11:11 say, this is a paraphrase now folks, “Which of you fathers (mothers), if your son (daughter)asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead?” now that’s not fair if one ask for a fish and gets it but the other gets a snake when he/s clearly asked for a fish also.  There is no one size fits all in the scenario of raising kids, you can have the same rules in the household but it is a guide that teaches them how to follow and respect rules.  When these rules are however broken discipline needs to be relative to the person that will redirect and be constructive in their development.  This I believe allows them to be who they are while still being respectful to other.  So relax, you don’t treat any two people the same so why do you think you can get away treating your children exactly the same they are after all just small people.

Parenting rights for uncles

Dear Fabian and Karla,
I am the uncle of two great little girls.  They are a big part of my life.  I see my sister and her daughters often.  My brother in-law is out of town a lot.  Recently I was at the mall with my sister and her two daughters.  One of my nieces was misbehaving.  My sister was not disciplining her and so as the male role model I stepped in and disciplined her daughter.  My sister became very angry with me.  What rights do I have as an uncle?
-Loving Uncle Looking For Some Rights

Fabian Says:

YOU HAVE NONE!!!!! With that said your sister should be thankful that you are in her and the girls life.  Depending on availability of their father (your sister’s husband) the girls are missing lots of lessons a young person should learn growing up.  I do not believe your sister was upset that you disciplined her girls; I think there is something behind her anger that she is not talking about.  Your sister might be upset at the way you interrupted when she was disciplining her child or she might be upset that her husband was not there and she is dealing with the kids alone, she might even be having a bad day.  Any other person would be happy that there is another person in their children’s life that will ensure they are doing the right thing no matter who is watching.  Try and set up some boundaries with your sister and try to find out what else is going on with her.  You need to approach her soon on the matter, not in an angry way but in a loving caring way. 

Karla Says:
This can be a touchy subject but one well worth dealing with.  As a mom I know that I can get very defensive when others try to discipline my children.  I also know that when I am in a good place I do believe it takes a village to raise a child.  I believe your sister is lucky to have you in her life especially since her husband is gone.  I highly encourage you to approach your sister when you are both in a good mood.  I would encourage you to express your love for her and your nieces.  Acknowledge how hard it is to be acting as a single parent and express your interest in helping her.  Ask her how she thinks you can best serve as a positive role model for her girls.  Once you hear her I encourage you to share with her how you think you can help her with discipline.  She will be more willing to listen once you have acknowledged her struggles and heard how she feels you can help.  In the end you will have to respect her wishes because they are her children.  I wish you the best and I hope your sister realizes how lucky she is to have your presence in her girls lives.